Tomorrow will mark one whole year since I began my application with the Peace Corps.
The worst part about waiting isn’t… waiting. I don’t mind the time passing. I have more time with the people I love and the people who love me and having a summer off is nice, frankly, after busting my butt for so many years in summer classes and working all the time.
No, the worst part about what I’m doing right now is the overwhelming feeling of stagnation. I really thought my life would be headed somewhere right now, and while I suppose it still is, technically, I feel like I’m moseying down that path instead of running at full force like I intended. I feel like once upon a time I was impressive, now, I’m just another college graduate. Shockingly, no one asks you “Hey, did you happen to finish college early? Or do it while holding down a job?”. Nope, they just nod and say “That’s nice” and ask what you’re doing now.
And now, I’m just … waiting. I’m back at work, which helps with those feelings, but its not some Fortune 500 company paying me a big, fat salary or a household name begging me to share my talents with them. It’s a hotel, that I love, but its the same one I’ve worked at for two years now. I didn’t grow, I didn’t rise above, I didn’t do anything special after graduating. The only thing different now is that I’m not learning anything new in classes or doing cool lab experiments while balancing a work life.
Soon, I’ll pack up all my things and move back in with my parents with no job, apartment, or class schedule to call mine. It will be the least productive time in my life since I was four– when I first began school. I feel like I’m shedding my layers of independence. Once I had a job, but no place to call my own. Then I had a dorm and job, but nothing I paid for. Finally, I paid for most of my things, apartment included, while heading to school. Now I’m managing to reverse all that.
I apologize, blog readers, if this comes off as a giant, whining rant. I of course am lucky to have the opportunities that I have, including having parents that would let me move back in with them. I’ve got a degree that no one can take away from me and by the time I move I’ll have had over a year with my beloved boyfriend, 7 of which we will have been living under the same roof. I just wanted to commiserate with some of you who may have felt like I feel.
For the past few years I really felt the inertia of my life pushing me forward into adulthood, with the status of things getting progressively more mature and independent until I reached graduation. Now, it seems it all has come to a sort of halt, and it is certainly jarring when it all stops.
Here’s hoping to starting a new adventure soon.
P.S. A lovely white whine about Peace Corps Journals .com: For all the people who have gotten an invitation, packed up their biz’ness and moved to another country– you are not an ‘applicant’. For the love of God, change your little flag to another country (I’d vote for the one you currently serve in) because when I go to read other applicant’s blogs, usually to wallow in the woe that is us, your smiling face and ‘Its been three months in ____, here are pictures of all the amazing new adventures I’m having!” makes me dislike you and gives me the blues even more.